Parenting 101: The Drama Continues

Hey, folks! Before I get into today's post, I want to ask for your thoughts and prayers for us this morning. Chase has a cardiology appointment at 9AM and we are very anxious to see how he does. He's NOT a fan of anything doctor-related and they will be taking his height, weight, O2 saturation and four limb blood pressures. All of this will make for one VERY unhappy boy. But after all of that, and waiting an undetermined amount of time in a tiny exam room, we'll head back for him to get an echo. I have no clue how we'll keep a mobile 15-month-old still for 20-30 minutes, but we'll be trying everything in our arsenal to keep him still so we can get good images for his cardiologist. Based on the findings today, his cardiologist will recommend whether or not we need to head to MUSC for a heart cath procedure this spring/summer. Please pray for good findings and for Chase to cooperate as best as he can. Thank you in advance for your thoughts and prayers!

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It's been a very tumultuous few days here. There's been a lot of thrashing on LO's part. And my goodness, is it ever hard for ME to completely change my parenting methodology essentially overnight. I completely understand and agree with Dr. Leman that, "Your child's behavior has everything to do with you." But wow. In order to get her to change, I have to change first. But not only change, I also have to be consistent. That's a tall order, friends!

A few days into our new parenting approach, we taught a pretty big lesson that I figured would make a pretty big impact. It was Sunday afternoon, and time for the kids to take their naps. Chase went down perfectly, as usual. LO, however, was a different story. I put her down and about 30 minutes later (30 minutes of playing in her room, mind you), she bounded out and proclaimed she was ready to go outside and play! The weather was perfect and we had already discussed during lunch that we were going to play outside after naps. Unfortunately, I had the not-so-joyous privilege of informing her that (A) she hadn't taken a nap, (B) she was going to go lay back down and (C) she lost the opportunity to go outside and play after nap time. As you can imagine, she wasn't very pleased.

Then came the joy of having to follow through with the plan. After the kids were both up, we got Chase dressed to go outside. When LO realized it was time to go out and play, she wanted to get her coat on, but I told her she wasn't going to be able to join us outside because she wouldn't take a nap.

Crazy. Drama. Pouting. Crying. Etc.

Hubs and I took Chase into the backyard and introduced him to some new toys (keep in mind these toys are all new to him, but they happen to formerly belong to LO... talk about rubbing salt in the wound, huh?). He got to try out the cozy coupe, the tricycle, slide and outdoor cottage. He had a BLAST! As if you needed proof, check out the pics below:

He LOVED ringing the doorbell... over and over and over and over...

So while Chase and mommy and daddy were having such a fun and wonderful time outside, enjoying the beautiful weather, what exactly was LO doing the entire time?

Standing at the glass door, watching and envying our every move.

Let me tell you this picture was taken about 10 minutes into our afternoon of outdoor fun. For the first 5 to 8 minutes, she was doing the "ugly cry" with every bit of wailing you can imagine. She was NOT happy about how things went down. But after we came inside, I was able to talk with her rationally and explained the circumstances again. I think she understood and I think it made an impression.

Parenting 101: Executing the Plan

Hubs and I officially started executing the our game plan with LO based on Dr. Kevin Leman's book, Have a New Kid... by Friday, late last week. Let me tell you, it's been interesting to say the least. To give you a little glimpse, LO went 3 straight nights without eating/finishing her dinner.

It was insane.

I tried a new approach as mentioned in the book. See, family dinners together are a daily staple in our home. But Leman suggested dining family style. In other words, place all of the food on the table so each person can serve themselves (I always make all of our plates in the kitchen and then bring the plates to the table). This way, LO is provided with the opportunity to put as much of each item on her plate as she'd like. In hindsight, I didn't really think things through well enough because I made a variation of -- get this -- Shepherd's Pie for dinner that night. I've never made it before (ground beef, veggies and mashed potatoes in one casserole-type dish), and quite frankly, it was NOT very good. Anyway, I let LO dish it onto her own plate and not surprisingly, she only placed a morsel or two on it. No biggie. I also had sliced strawberries in a small bowl that she dished onto her plate as well. She had finished the strawberries in record time, but when it came to the rest of her dinner, she wasn't too pleased. She made ONE comment. One. I'm not even sure what it was... I think she was just playing with her food and then said, "I don't like it!" without even trying one bite. I got up, calmly took her plate, fork and cup to the kitchen, and dumped the remains on her plate into the trash can. She immediately got upset and started talking very ugly to me, and without a word from me, she got up, pouted and stomped into her room, angrily mumbling something about being MAD!

Hubs and I continued to enjoy our dinner with Chase, talking, laughing and having a good time. LO continued to wail for a few more moments, then came back into the dining room.

LO: "Mommy. I'm still hungry and I want my dinner." (said very angrily and matter-of-factly with arms crossed).
Me: "Oh, I'm sorry, LO! You said you didn't like your dinner and got upset and got down from the table. You know once you get down from the table, you're finished. You can have something to eat in the morning for breakfast." (said happily with a HUGE smile on my face).
LO: "Ugggggghhhh!" (pouting, angry, arms crossed, stomping back to her room)

She came back out a second and third time. The third time, she was somewhat remorseful and tried the puppy dog eyes and told me, "But mommy, I'm still hungry." It truly was the saddest thing. The "old me" would've probably given in and told her she had one last chance to sit down and eat. But the new me told her, essentially, "Too bad."

She was obviously distraught and looked somewhat confused by the events, but didn't really catch on to it. The next night was essentially a repeat of the one above. And the third night was as well.

Finally, on the fourth night, we were able to have a successful, happy, relatively quiet dinner as a family of four. It was awesome. And the way she'd look at me when I stood up to get more milk or another napkin... she'd immediately put her arms around her plate as if I were about to swoop in and steal it from her mid-meal! I had to chuckle at that... Haha!

The same philosophy applied throughout the day. One afternoon, she asked for a snack in her usual way: "Mommy, may I please have a snack please, Mommy?" (she gets extra points for redundancy). I got her some grapes and a cup of water, and set them on the kitchen table. I told her that I placed her snack on the kitchen table and she could sit in her chair and eat it. She responded by saying she didn't want to eat it at the kitchen table, she wanted to eat it at the coffee table so she could watch TV. Without a word, I walked over to the kitchen table, picked up her grapes and tossed them into the trash and dumped her water into the sink. That obviously elicited quite a response from her. She was NOT happy. After she calmed down, she asked me why I threw her snack away. I explained to her that I asked her to sit at the kitchen table to eat her snack and she did not listen to me, so she lost the opportunity to have a snack. I told her she wouldn't have anything to eat until dinnertime.

It's so very unusual for me to respond this way to LO. Seriously, any time she wanted anything, I would get it for her in a heartbeat. She was not at all expecting me to stop letting her have her way 24/7. It was all so unexpected in her little eyes.

Truthfully, I think what was the most unexpected was her behavior over the next several days. Dr. Leman stated, "If your child is thrashing as he comes out of the water, you'll know you're on the right track." Well let me tell you, if LO's behavior was any indication at all, we were definitely on the right track... but how long would things have to be worse before they'd start to get better?

Stay tuned! I plan to share more of LO's horror stories and, hopefully, a light at the end of the tunnel!

Parenting 101: Time for Change

As I mentioned yesterday in the first post in this series, hubs and I were at the end of our rope with LO's recent behavior. It was time for a change.

A BIG change.

((Let me apologize now for this L-O-N-G post. I didn't expect it to be quite so lengthy, but hopefully it'll be a quick and easy read for those of you who decide to forge ahead.))

Let me set the scene for you. LO's preschool teacher sends home a class newsletter each Friday. Included in the newsletter each week is a special section for the principal to share some insights for parents. About two weeks ago, I noticed in the principal's section, she had shared a quote from Dr. Kevin Leman's book entitled, Have a New Kid... by Friday.

I thought to myself: A new kid? By Friday?!

Yes, please!

A few short moments later, I found myself on Amazon purchasing said book. Really, what did I have to lose? Things couldn't get any worse, and maybe this $13 book would be the answer to our problems.

When the book arrived (2-day shipping for free... Thank you, Amazon Prime!), I immediately opened it up and started reading through it at lightening speed. If nothing else, this book is a quick and easy read, which really, it should be considering it was written specifically for parents who don't have the time to read for leisure because they're too busy dealing with their frustrating, havoc-wreaking, disobeying children! The book is comprised of short chapters, one for each of the 5 weekdays, Monday through Friday. I want to share with you my take on the gist of each chapter as well as my thoughts/concerns about implementing the strategies on our unsuspecting 3 1/2 year old (NOTE: This is where the post becomes quite lengthy!).

Monday

Notable quotes:

1. "Children are masters at manipulation. Don't think they're not manipulating you."
2. "Kids do what they do because they've gotten away with it!"
3. "Your child's behavior has everything to do with you."
4. "If you want your child to take you seriously, say your words once. Only once. If you say it more than once, you're implying, 'I think you're so stupid that you're not going to get it the first time, so let me tell you again.'"

New strategy:

1. Say it once.
2. Turn your back.
3. Walk away.

My thoughts:

1. Say it once? Come on, people. What do you take me for? Do you know how many times I have to ask LO to stop trying to push her brother down before she actually listens? At least 62 times. And that's only when combined with either (a) the threat of taking one of her toys away from her or (b) some kind of physical interaction (i.e. moving her brother away from her) or (c) BOTH! And sure, it makes sense that by telling her something over and over again, it sends the message that we don't think she's capable of "getting it" the first time, but her behavior tells us we're not far off-base!
2. Yes, I fully realize she's manipulating us. I have no doubt of this. She is her father's daughter. I've heard stories of hubs' childhood that make me shudder in fear. I think this particular truth is one I'll keep reminding myself of as we institute changes recommended in this book (so I won't feel like the world's worst parent).
3. I have no doubt that LO thinks she can do (or not do) anything and say (or not say) anything simply because we've never truly disciplined her in a way that translated as discipline in her little 3 1/2-year-old brain. We have our work cut out for us.

Tuesday

Notable quotes:

1. "The top 3 long-term concerns of parents have to do with a new kind of ABCs: Attitude, Behavior and Character."
2. "The key to changing your child is changing your attitude."
3. "If the doctor says, 'You responded to your medication,' that's good. If the doctor says, 'You reacted to your medication,' that's bad."

New strategy:

1. Let reality be the teacher. Don't rescue your kids from the consequences of failed responsibility.
2. Learn to respond rather than react. Don't let your emotions get the better of you and don't speak or act without thinking first.
3. B doesn't happen until A is completed. If you've asked your child to do something and it's not done, you don't go on to the next event -- no matter what that event is.

My thoughts:

1. I couldn't agree more that our interest lies in the long-term goals of parenting -- raising children with the attitude, behavior and character we believe will aid in them developing into contributing members of society.
2. Wow. How tall are these strategies to measure up to, specifically to respond rather than react? I'm sorry, but have you had to fight with your 3 1/2 year old for 30 minutes just to get her to go potty before bedtime? How can you not lose your patience with that situation and react emotionally, especially when her brother is already in bed and she's making enough noise with her defiance and complaining to wake the entire neighborhood?
3. I was happy to see the ideals of letting reality be the teacher and that B doesn't happen until A is completed. I feel like we're already utilizing these strategies with LO, but I have no doubt that we haven't been as consistent with them as we need to be in order for them to be effective.

Wednesday

Notable quotes:

1. "What your children think about you at any one particular moment isn't necessarily what they will think about you for life."
2. "Your child needs not only your attention but also a relationship with you!"
3. "Being happy all the time isn't real life, and you're not being fair to your child if you're providing a continual Disneyland experience."

New strategy:

1. Determine what kind of parent you are: Permissive, Authoritarian or Authoritative.
• A permissive parent is a slave to the child; places the priority on the child, not on his or her spouse; robs the child of self-respect and self-esteem by doing things for her that the child can do for herself; invites rebellion with inconsistent parenting.
• An authoritarian parent makes all decisions for the child; uses reward and punishment to control the child's behavior; runs the home with an iron hand, granting little freedom to the child.
• An authoritative parent gives the child choices and formulates guidelines with him; provides the child with decision-making opportunities; develops consistent, loving discipline; holds the child accountable; conveys respect, self-worth and love to the child and therefore enhances the child's self-esteem.

My thoughts:

1. Wow. What an eye-opening chapter this turned out to be! I think I can safely say that I am without-a-doubt a permissive parent and hubs is an authoritarian parent. No wonder LO is so confused! I always expected hubs and I to have differing parenting styles, and I always assumed that dynamic would be beneficial to our ability to parent our kids. But I guess I never really thought about the negative impact that would have on our kids.
2. I do believe we both try a lot of the authoritative parenting techniques often, but eventually we both resort to our ingrained approaches and that just adds to the confusion.

Thursday

Notable quotes:

1. "Every child lives up to the expectation you have for him."
2. "Want to empower your children? Give them responsibility."
3. "Praise links a child's worth to what she does. Encouragement emphasizes the act."

New strategy:

1. Respect your children:
• Never do for them what they can and should do for themselves.
• Don't repeat your instructions.
• Expect the best of them.
• Don't praise them.
• Encourage them.
2. Help your child develop the key pillars of self-worth:
• Acceptance
• Belonging
• Competence

My thoughts:

1. We're really getting down to the heart of the matter today, now aren't we? Respect your child? My focus has always been the other way around, so I know for a fact this concept has been neglected in our household. It's so simple and makes so much sense.
2. Expect the best, get the best. How poignant! I need to remember to expect the best from my children, in all things, all the time. I don't want to build up their self-esteem at the cost of their self-worth! The book mentioned that praise focuses on how "good" a person is while encouragement focuses on an action. And I know I've continually caught myself doing things for LO that she's more than capable of doing herself, but she just never does it my way. Or she makes a big mess when she does it. Or whatever. I need to let go of that mentality and support her in developing her own self-worth.

Friday

Notable quotes:

1. "Children who have been allowed to have their own way for a while can be extremely powerful."
2. "If your child is thrashing as he comes out of the water, you'll know you're on the right track."
3. "Friday is FUN DAY -- the day you decide to go for it! You're going to launch your game plan on your unsuspecting children."

New strategy:

1. The Top 10 list of what it takes:
1. Be 100 percent consistent in your behavior.
2. Always follow through on what you say you will do.
3. Respond, don't react.
4. Count to 10 and ask yourself, "What would my old self do in this situation? What should the new me do?"
5. Never threaten your kids.
6. Never get angry.
7. Don't give any warnings.
8. Ask yourself, "Whose problem is this?"
9. Don't think the misbehavior will go away.
10. Keep a happy face on, even when you want to... do something else.

My thoughts:

1. Whew! How about that? All of the strategies and principles one needs to raise a child, right there in black and white. Who knew it could be so easy? Right. It's easier said than done, obviously. But I feel empowered to a degree that maybe, just maybe, Dr. Leman slipped me the other team's playbook under the table. Little Miss doesn't know we're on to her. And boy is her kingdom about to experience some massive changes. I guess that means it's time to get started!

If you made it this far, thank you so much for humoring me and following along on our journey! Stay tuned tomorrow for my next post in this series. It's the one where LO doesn't see what hit her. ;) Bwahaha!

Parenting 101: Trouble is Brewing

This is the first in a series of posts I'm writing this week about the ever-elusive art of child-rearing. ((Do I need to stop here and point out that I am in no way, shape or form an expert on this subject? I would hope for my existing readers, that's pretty much a certainty understood by us all.)) I hope you come along for the ride and maybe learn a thing or two from our mistakes experiences!

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I don't know about you, but my first-born child did not come with a "How To" manual, regardless of how much I wish it were so. We did the best we could as first-time parents, but ultimately, we took all of the authority in our family, wrapped it in a tiny little pink box with a pretty little bow and presented it right away to that beautiful, brown-eyed baby girl on the day she was born. Not knowingly, of course. I mean, really, who would turn over all power and control to a helpless, hours-old infant, regardless of how wonderfully she smelled or how sweet her little noises?

Not surprisingly, hubs and I have been challenged lately by our sweet LO's behavior. Granted, she's now 3 1/2 years old. Behavioral problems are bound to happen at this age. But it started to seem like things were getting out of control. The line of authority in our home continued to blur and it seemed Little Miss Thing truly was the one wearing the pants in the family, calling all the shots.

It started out innocent enough...

• LO: I don't want water with dinner, I want milk!
  Us: Okay. No big deal. Here's some milk.
• LO: I don't want to eat that for lunch!
  Us: Okay. No big deal. Here's a PB&J instead.
• LO (swiping a toy from Chase): But I was playing with that first!
  Us: Okay. Here, Chase. How 'bout you play with this instead?

Now, of course there were some things she'd put up a fight about that we wouldn't give in on...

• LO: I don't wanna go to bed!
  Us: It's 9pm. Go to bed, kid.
• LO: I don't wanna wear my coat!
  Us: It's 12 degrees outside, kid. Put it on.
• LO: I don't need to go potty!
  Us: Sit on the pot, kid, until something comes out.

When it came to her (and her brother's) health and safety, you can bet your britches (never said that in real life before... is that a southern saying? Weird.) we would lay down the law and do whatever was necessary to get her to comply.

But as for the day-to-day stuff? It started wearing on hubs and I. Big time.

The morning routine on school days was a nightmare. She wouldn't want to get out of bed. She didn't want to brush her teeth. She didn't want to wear "that" shirt because it was itchy. She would make all kinds of loud noise in the bathroom, which was right next to Chase's room (where he was still asleep).

Dinnertime was worse. Without even so much as knowing what was on her plate, she'd formally announce that she didn't like it and wasn't going to eat it. This is where hubs and I, the submissive, not-even-slightly-in-charge parents, would begin jumping through every hoop she'd toss our way to get her to eat her dinner. Some nights I'd just throw down a PB&J in front of her to avoid the fighting altogether. Other nights, I'd expect her to eat what I made for the rest of us. Hubs and I would try to make a game out of it, or threaten her with the loss of one of her favorite toys or games, or that she wouldn't get any dessert, etc. Then we might resort to some skill-building exercises like pleading with her to "just eat 4 bites of corn, 2 bites of chicken, etc..." We never got anywhere with her and dinnertime was complete and total chaos, night after night.

Whoa.

Now I know some of you are thinking. This just sounds like typical 3- or 4-year-old behavior... You just have to deal with it... She'll grow out of it eventually... Every parent has been through it... blah, blah, blah.

I don't agree with any of that. I believe she is knowingly and purposefully manipulating mommy and daddy to get her way because... get this... it's all she's ever known. Think about it. At what point do you stop catering to your newborn baby's every whim? At what point do you begin to teach responsibility? Discipline? Respect? Character?

We obviously hadn't hit that point over the past three and a half years. But we're there now.

The only question left is...

What do we do about it now?


Stay tuned tomorrow for the next post in this series!